1. epistemological (i-piss-ti-mi-logical)
Of, relating to, or involving knowledge; cognitive.

How often does epistemology come up in a casual conversation? Never.

2. Aristotelian (a-riss-tuh-teal-yin)
A person whose thinking and methods tend to be empirical, scientific, or commonsensical

There are so many other words that describes someone who is Aristotelian, but if you deliberately and unnecessarily incorporate a famous philosopher into such a description, you’re exhibiting unprecedented douchosity. (additional, you should avoid using the word “douchosity”)

3. Swiftian (swift-ian)
Of, relating to, or involving Jonathan Swift, an English satirist born in Ireland (1667-1745); satirical, witty, sardonic

Seriously, just say “sarcastic” or “satirical.” JSWIFT only wrote like one funny essay worth reading. Get off the guy’s cojones.

4. jesuitical (jez-oo-it-ickle)
Specious or excessively subtle reasoning intended to rationalize or mislead

The origin of this word is actually quite interesting. Not to be confused with “Jesuitical,” (which means of or relating to the Jesuit religious order), “jesuitical,” with a lower-case “j,” became an insult to those who effectively “B.S.’ed” everything. Jesuits were, and still are, very academic, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Thus, the term was coined.

That being said, if actually used, “jesuitical” is right up there on the douche scale, particularly if it is used for means of self-description.

5. elementary (oh come on, that’s elementary)
Of, relating to, or involving the fundamental or simplest aspects of a subject

Even Sherlock Holmes, a model gentleman with class and suavity, looked like a straight up prick every time he said: “Elementary, dear Watson.”

6. nonsense (non-sen-imadouche-se)
Extravagant foolishness or frivolity; jabberwocky; subject matter, behavior, or language that is foolish or absurd

“Oh, darling, don’t be a fool, that’s just nonsense.” (What the hell did that mean?) I’m not sure, but the word itself encompasses a very pompous, pretentious aura that is best personified in a greasy 40-year old man with a cigar, velvet bathrobe, and an unhappy trophy wife.

7. Machiavellian (mah-key-uh-vill-ee-in)
Suggestive of or characterized by expediency, deceit, and cunning; Of or relating to Machiavelli or Machiavellianism

8. antediluvian (ant-ih-dih-luve-ian)
Extremely old and antiquated

9. synaptic (sin-app-tick)
Of or relating to synapsis or a synapse: the junction across which a nerve impulse passes from an axon terminal to a neuron, muscle cell, or gland cell

All medical terminology, for that matter …

10. maelstrom (male-strum)
A whirlpool of extraordinary size or violence; a violent or turbulent situation

11. contrarian (cuhn-trair-ian)
One who takes a contrary view or action, especially an investor who makes decisions that contradict prevailing wisdom, as in buying securities that are unpopular at the time

Call me a delusional contrarian, but I think Plessy v. Ferguson probably helped the water fountain industry. (all respects to Stephen Colbert)

12. chitinous (kite-in-us)
of, or resembling chitin: a tough, protective, semitransparent substance, primarily a nitrogen-containing polysaccharide, forming the principal component of arthropod exoskeletons and the cell walls of certain fungi

In my great-grandmother’s final hours, her skin began to cackle and disintegrate into chitinous debristhat gently trickled down what was left of her frame onto the floor. I had to run and find a broom to clean up the mess, and by the time I got back she had died.

13. Freudian (froy-dee-in)
Relating to or being in accordance with the psychoanalytic theories of Sigmund Freud; a person who accepts the basic tenets of the psychoanalytic theories of Sigmund Freud, especially a psychiatrist or psychologist who applies Freudian theory and method in conducting psychotherapy

14. masticate (exactly how it’s spelled)
to chew; to grind and knead (rubber, for example) into a pulp

More than likely, the only reason someone would use this word is that it sounds remarkably similar to a much more inappropriate and naughty word. This is especially true if the speaker extends this word to it’s noun form: mastication.

15. prolix (pro-licks)
Tediously prolonged; wordy; tending to speak or write at excessive length

Anyone who uses the word “prolix” is prolix

16. expedient (ex-pee-dee-int)
appropriate to a purpose; means to an end

17. crux (crucks)
the basic, central, or critical point or feature; a puzzling or apparently insoluble problem

18. cathartic (kuh-thar-tick)
Inducing catharsis; purgative: tending to cleanse or purge, especially causing evacuation of the bowels

Taco Bell’s new Volcano Double Beef Burrito sparked a cathartic reaction within my digestive system

19. placate (play-kate)
to allay the anger of, especially by making concessions; appease

The only way to placate Al Qaeda is with nuclear force.

20. ameliorate (uh-meal-yor-ate)
to make or become better; improve

21. eradicate (ee-rad-ih-kate)
to tear up by the roots; to get rid of as if by tearing up by the roots

22. inconsequentiality
that which lacks importance; a triviality; illogical

23. Krakatoan (crack-uh-tow-in)
of, relating to, or involving Krakatau, a volcanic island of Indonesia between Sumatra and Java: a violent eruption in August 1883 blew the island apart and caused a tsunami that killed more than 36,000 people; typically used to indicate an abrupt, violent explosion

24. schpilkis
Yiddish slang for hemorrhoids

25. harridan (nan-see-puh-low-see)
a woman regarded as scolding and vicious; nagger

If you have any more, please let me know! God knows that this list is continuously expanding.

Brilliant.

Bumper stickers fascinate me.

People choose to alienate themselves from certain groups within society by slapping on pieces of unattractive plastic to the back of their vehicles. There is never a safe or truly innocent way to apply a bumper sticker: no matter how fun-loving your “I just want to party!” sticker may seem when you purchase it, there is always a group that will be either offended by it or simply annoyed by it. Therefore, you gain absolutely nothing by putting a bumper sticker on your car. In fact, I submit that you actually tick off more people than you amuse.

Do you hear that June McPeggy? Next time you try to merge in front of me on the interstate, sporting your “COEXIST” sticker, try finding an alternative route, because I am certainly not letting you in.

When you put a bumper sticker on your car, you are yelling to the world:

“Does everyone see this clever bumper sticker? Honk if you love Dave Matthews Band! Hey you there, in your new car, did you see my ‘YES WE DID’ sticker? Yeah, that’s right: WE DID! I just want everyone to know. I mean, just in case you were in any way interested with the type of person I am, even though we will drive in opposite directions and ultimately forget about the other’s existence! Just know that I’m a clever, outspoken, witty person! Uhh, ok, is it cool if I get in your lane?”

“No, June. You cannot get in my lane.”

Now, one might claim: “Ugh, why are you so mean to people on the road? You sound like just some angry, neglected kid who whines and complains about other people!”

Well, Mitchell, I am critical of other drivers because I feel that it needs to be done. There needs to be an individual out there protecting others from the wrath of Peggy and Bryce Johnson. I believe that this is my woeful, burdensome responsibility. You can thank me later.

Typically, when I view a car in front of me, I make a quick assessment of the person driving it. Based on this assessment, I either speed up and block them off, or let them pass (with a smile and an obligatory wave). A quick rule of thumb rules out certain individuals instantly: if they have any of the following bumper stickers displayed with admiration on the back of their vehicle, I feel obligated to do the following:

1) Refuse to let them pass in front of me
2) speed up and block them off, hopefully resulting in Peggy missing her exist
3) take one for the team and swerve into her, removing her from the road.
Due to concerns for my own health, I usually only end up performing the first two.

1. Calvin and Hobbes urinating on Society

Oh, you are a mischievous one. You disagree with something so profoundly that you have officially rebelled against it in probably the classiest way possible. Perhaps these stickers were funny the first time you saw one, but after you have seen about 15 trucks with Calvin urinating on a Chevrolet logo, they begin to lose their humorous appeal.

Surprisingly, the majority of drivers with these stickers are 45 year old mechanics. Statistically, these men will more than likely have brown mustaches.

Seriously, bro. No one thinks you are clever or funny. You would be better off taping a neatly type essay on the back of your F350, saying: “Hey there. Just so you know, I really despise everything Chevrolet. After driving a Ford for the last four years, I have developed an extreme loyalty for Ford. So much so that I would urinate all over a Chevrolet logo, had I the chance. And as I am urinating on it, I would look over my right shoulder and snicker mischievously.”

2. Obscure university alumni sticker

No one has heard of your school. Seriously, if your alma mater has a less recognizable name than Kaplan Career Institute or Virginia Cosmetics College in Montgomery, Alabama (formerly Bruno’s grocery store), then you should probably refrain from boasting about it.

3. My child is an honor student at [insert local mediocre public school]

No one is impressed. With the condition of public schools these days, I am pretty sure your honor child could take a dump on his test paper and pass with flying colors. Nor is the child proud; he is only embarrassed. I understand that little Janet’s 3.1 GPA is the highpoint of your entire life, but please take of the sticker. Your child is ashamed.

The End.

Alan Keyes

Aaron says: I love this guy. He is brilliant, he’s a great speaker, and he stands stubbornly for Christian values. He’s an ivy league educated black Republican Roman Catholic. Unfortunately, this does not add up well. Ultimately, Alan Keyes comes across as an arrogant, condescending douche. As much as I love the man, his hopes for a Presidential nomination or a VP pick are slim to none.

Ian says: I also love this guy despite his holier than thou attitude and Steve Urkel like qualities. I think Alan Keyes is a brilliant guy, but I agree with Aaron: he’s not going anywhere solely because of his unpopular views on issues like abortion and gay marriage. I think he tends to piss off non-conservatives—and people that live in California or work at Starbucks.

Fred Thompson – Former Law and Order DA, TN

Aaron says: Probably my favorite. Fred Thompson reminds me of that smart alek grandpa grandfather who is innocently stubborn in his views. Even though he was dubbed “Lazy Fred” by his fellow Senators, I think he can pose a serious threat because of his likability, his public speaking abilities, and his role on Law Order. The show will never be the same. Once he left, I mean, it’s just all downhill from there.

Ian says: I like him. PERIOD.

Mike Huckabee – Arkansas

Aaron says: I have a hard time taking anyone seriously who believes the world is four thousand years old. Dinosaur bones were put on Earth to test us. Seriously? The guy now has a show on Fox News, which is pretty good (I have only watched about 15 minutes of one episode before). Sadly, I think people will be turned off by his Southern accent, which might remind some of George Bush’s cowboyish charm.

Ian says:Its quite simple, America can not afford to have a guy named Huckabee in office. Other countries already hate America because they think we’re all lazy and we don’t consider it acceptable for husbands to beat there wives; do we really need to add that we have a Mr. Rodgers looking guy whose name is Mike Huckabee running our country? Think about it.

Bobby Jindal – Louisiana

Aaron says: Don’t know too much about Bobby. I saw him speak after the Katrina incident, and he sounded like a good leader with his feet underneath him. He’s a minority, too, which I guess is now a huge plus. If Bobby Jindal can hang tough with the Messiah in debates, and if he comes across as a likable enough guy, he just might have a shot.

Ian says: Bobby, Bobby, where do I begin…I seriously don’t know anything about you, but I like your style.

Sarah Palin

Aaron says: I like Governor Palin. But I don’t think it will happen. The media’s sabotage, coupled with her own screw-ups in the McCain campaign might have depleted whatever chance she ever had of becoming President. While the firm Republican base loves her, moderates tend to dislike her, which of course is a bad thing. Personally, I don’t think she would do badly at all, but the country’s inability to take her serious will doom her chances.

Ian says: Just give her a talk show and send her on her way.

Mitt Romney – Governor of Massachusetts

Aaron says: I fear that is Mitt Romney was nominated, cartoon artists would have a ball depicting him as an arrogant pretty boy, much like they did to John Kerry when he ran for VP with Kerry. He’s a great speaker with a great resume. Sadly, I believe that his Mormon faith will cause paranoid individuals like Johnny Duffet (my eighty-six year old, Vietnam war veteran next-door neighbor) to not vote for him.

Ian says: Hold on, I’m drawing him really quickly… what a pretty boy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – Governor of California

Aaron says If only he could legally run. Unfortunately, the VP must have the same credentials as the Presidential candidate as well, meaning that our chances of having Arnold on a ticket are non-existent. He’s a charismatic speaker, a stern leader, and a terrible actor. Plus, he wavers on abortion and gay marriage. Ah. I like hearing him talk.

Ian says: Haha sure why not.

Morgan Freeman

Aaron says: If Morgan Freeman was elected, even if his political views are completely messed up, it might be the greatest day in American history. Can you imagine those State of the Union addresses? This probably won’t happen considering Morgan Freeman is a) not a Republican b) is not involved in politics c) will probably be in the process of filming fifteen concurrent movies during the campaign.

Ian says: Unlike Barrack Obama being elected as the first black president, if Morgan Freeman was elected, no one would be unhappy. Even if you don’t like his political views, just watch Shawshank Redemption, and you will probably forget about what he does as President and just be glad that you get to look at and listen to Morgan Freeman.

Catro’s Cuba just celebrated its 50th anniversary, a festive occasion with lights, music, dancing, drugs, and gunfire.

Fidel Castro has not been seen in public since undergoing intestinal surgery in mid-2006 and was not expected to attend. But in a brief message on the front page of Communist Party newspaper Granma on Thursday, he sent his congratulations to “our heroic people” for 50 years of revolution.
read Reuters article here

Your heroic people, Fidel? Your “heroic people” have been fleeing your country in fear for decades. As you lie there in your hospital cot, the decrepit piece of tyrannous scum that you are, please know that there is a fat kid somewhere in America named Aaron Weber who would like to spit directly in your face.

Fidel’s kid brother, Raul, spoke at the celebration, predicting that Cuba will prevail for another 50 years, but not without obstacles (by obstacles, he means America). Inside sources also claim that the crowd was so distracted by the stench oozing from Raul’s greasy, blotched skin that they were unable to provide any other information on the speech. John Youngstown, from New York Times, stated: “It was a stench of Biblical proportions.”

That’s what great about America. We get to choose who we idolize. The majority’s very public hatred of George Bush the last eight years is a perfect testament of that. We are in no way governmentally forced to worship or salivate over anyone. On the other hand, the Cuban people, being a part of a dictatorship, are obligated to do so. Fidel’s face is blown up and placed all over towns. His name is spray painted on the abandoned brick buildings that line the outskirts of Cuban cities. He is essentially Jesus Christ.

Seriously, Fidel, who do you think you are, accepting all of this undeserved treatment and worship—Morgan Freeman? No, Fidel, you are not Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman’s voice cures cancer. Fidel’s incoherent dribble causes physical pain to all who hear it. In fact, I would go so far as to say that Fidel Castro and Morgan Freeman are at two, opposite ends of the “awesomeness” spectrum. What is this spectrum, you might ask? It’s mine. And it’s entirely subjective.

I actually had the privilege of interviewing both Fidel and Mr. Freeman.

What is your name?	Fidel Castro!	Morgan Freeman.
What is your occupation?	Dictator! Of Cuba!	Well, sonny, I’m an actor. You may have seen me play God in over fifteen movies.
What do you think about all the violence and tyranny in the world?	Is it American who cause all of this tyranny you speak of! Down with America! Raul, where are those freakin’ coughdrops!	It’s unfortunate. But, I guess that’s just the way things go. Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. (lights cigar, blows ring of smoke in my face) I guess some birds just aren’t meant to be caged.
What did you think about that cough drops joke I just used?	Terrible! Down with AMERICA! YAH!	You’ll get there, sonny, you’ll get there. The night is darkest before the dawn. You’ll get there.
What do you think of Barack Obama, America’s newly elected President?	I love him! He isn’t gonna do ANYTHING to stop Cuba from prevailing for another 50 years! Oh, you Americans! Should have voted for McCain! Scared of him!	Ahh, sonny, I like the man? Why, I think he’s gonna do just dandy. I remember when me and my buddies and went and voted for him. Afterwards, we camped out on the roof and celebrated.We sat and drank with the sun on our shoulders and felt like free men. Hell, we could have been tarring the roof of one of our own houses. We were the lords of all creation.
What sort of music do you like?	REGGAETON.	Jazz, sonny, jazz. Ever been to New Orleans, boy? (finishes cigar, places in ashtray) I can play a mean harmonica, myself. Damn fine harmonica.
So, my website, Ain’t Nobody Understand Us, eh? Pretty nice, right? I mean, I’m trying here.	Terrible! (coughs, rolls out of his armchair and dies)	Well, sonny, listen here.I like it. I guess it appeals to my meticulous nature. A good day here, million years of bad days there. Blogging is the study of pressure and time. That’s all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a big god-damned poster. (lights another cigar)

Seriously, can anyone find the actual video anymore?

Update: This particular post has gotten some significant traffic (relative to my others, at least). It’s gotten a decent amount of diggs on Digg.com, and others have been promoting it in other places: forums, chatroom, etc. If you are one of these people, thanks.

I have actually gotten some e-mail with some questions about it. Let me explain.

YouTube has recently added in-video adds to their website, meaning that intrusive advertisements spontaneously pop-up at random times while watching a video. Not only is this annoying, but I believe it marks a slippery slope for websites everywhere. YouTube was regarded as a pioneer towards the reduction of intrusive advertising. At most, there was merely a simple banner on the side of the page. This was not too much to ask, seeing as the traffic on YouTube is insanely high, and one can only imagine the cost of maintaining it.

But, because of this recent insurgence of ads, I fear that YouTube will become one of the many pages that shifts the attention away from the content of the site.

Will YouTube’s popularity suffer? Hardly. Call me an idealist.

The highways, the interstates, the neighborhood culsdesac. These are all dangerous places, infested with dangerous individuals. Five in particular, have proven statistically to be the most hazardous. For your safety, I have detailed these monsters of the pavement. Just to make one thing clear: I do not claim to the best driver in the United States of America. In fact, my driving skills are often the joke of my family. I once ran over a Montgomery County garbage man; but nothing I have ever done on the road matches up to the follow five people:

5. Middle-aged Schoolbus Driver.

Better back off! They're heading to Galdesworth Elementary School!

Next came: “It’s so easy a caveman can do it!” This featured a series of commercials starring Tony Shalhoub, an intelligent, yet oppressed and stereotyped caveman, fighting Geico’s abrasive campaign. These were funny for the first 150 installments, but eventually keeled over and died once Tony and his girlfriend went to the beach.

Geico then fought back with the resurgence of the Gecko, the personification of the worst pun in the history of advertising. This satisfied viewers … but only temporarily. Drastic times call for drastic measures, so the issue was brought up in the next public relations meeting:

Now you might say, “Aaron! You just completely butchered my favorite comic strip! All you did was find a Dilbert strip on Google Images, cut out the text, and replace it with something that really isn’t even that funny!” Yeah..

You can take a look at one of the new ads here.

Now, we politely dissect the new metaphor for the steaming pile of crap that it is.

His name is “Kash”

Oh, cute. I’ve never seen anyone purposely misspell a word before. I might as well go right down the street to my barbershop, Ko Ko’s Nappy Kuts. I suppose they wanted to make “Cash” look more like an actual name, which doesn’t make any sense, seeing as the letter “K” is the first letter of maybe three names in the entire English language, including Kobe Bryant.

It’s a stack of $5′s

Nothing says “a huge sum of money” more than a pile of Abraham Lincoln’s. Could the Geico crew not find any 10′s to use as props? Seriously, the entire metaphor is that “Kash” is “the money you COULD have saved by switching to Geico.” Assuming all of those bills are fivers, “Kash” is only about $150. Whoopie. I would rather stick with All-State, seeing as that big black guy from the Unit could beat the living crap out of “Kash.”

“Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell

Whenever “Kash” appears, this 80s hit is cued in the background.

Since the character follows people around in the commercials, associate creative director Sissy Estes said the song selection is “perfect” for the campaign. “We want people to hear that song and immediately think of Geico,” she added.

To read full article, click here.

They might as well have played a selection from Andy Griffith’s Christmas album. Why Andy Griffith, Aaron? He’s one of my favorite actors. My mom got it for Christmas, and I thought it was hilarious, THAT’s why, Peggy van Strusenoldie.

Googly eyes

Oh, haha. It’s like a person. It can think and talk–oh wait! Does the mouth move at all in any of the ads? No, it doesn’t. It only sits there like the blank, worthless slit that it is.

I guess the fact that I am talking about the ads means that they achieved their purpose.
Oh well, they are still terrible.

– Wait, Aaron. Did you really just put a DIGG button on this post?
Yeah, I figure, why not? Maybe someone will click it.
– There is only one Digg so far, and its YOURS. What, do you think you’re gonna get like 100s of Diggs?
It could happen.

A friend (most likely named Kyle, Scooter, Portland, or Connor) will find a video on YouTube that he considers to be hysterical. He will quote this video in his head for days, possibly weeks afterward, and will twinkle with joy at the very thought of spreading this sensation with anyone and everyone, namely you. Wherever there is a computer, Kyle will find you. Kyle will make you watch the video with him. And this situation will take one of two courses:

The ideal convo:

“Hey man, have you seen that one video on YouTube of that black guy who is acting all mean and growling and stuff?”

“Nah, dude.”

“Oh, just check it out and let me know what you think.”

This is where the discussion should end. Unfortunately, the following conversation is much more likely to occur:

“Hey man, have you seen that one video on YouTube of that black guy who is acting all mean and growling and stuff?”

“Nah, dude.”

“Oh, well, let me explain it. There’s this black guy who is saying all this funny stuff, right? And eventually he is like growling, right? And at one point he goes ‘Girl, you better get me a Dr. Pepper right now!’ and it’s just freakin’ hilarious! Oh, and there’s this other part —”

“Sounds funny man. Hey man, could you please–”

“Oh, and there’s like seven of them. Actually the second is probably the funniest—no wait … yeah, the second is the best because he says ‘Apple Juice’ and I can’t really do a good impression, but he’s like ‘Apple Juice!’ and I couldn’t help but watch the rest, and in the fifth one—”

“Please get out of my car, I have no idea who the hell you are.”

I’m sorry Portland Finnigan, but your impromptu reenactment coupled with a vague description does not in any way increase my level of interest in jballs22′s rendition of “Numa numa.” If anything, all I want to do now is take a bullet to my face.

But eventually, you will have to watch Portland’s video with him. This is, most decidedly, a systematic procedure.

Robbie Adams: will attempt to show you every Dave Matthews Band live video on YouTube.

Andy McGee: will show you his favorited Family Guy clips

During the course of the actual video, your friend will look over at you a minimum of 576 times. Kyle does this for two reasons: to make sure you are still paying attention, and to encourage verbal participation in the on-screen hilarity. Kyle wants to see you grimace, laugh, and cry in coordination with the video’s intention. Whenever the Unforgivable guy says the “B-word,” you have an obligation to chortle.

3. Not another one …
To avoid a follow-up video, quickly remember a previous engagement once the video has ended. “That was funny, man, but I gotta go pick up my kid from Day Care now.”

(Note: this will only work if you have

Tracy Smith: will whine and pester you to 'turn on Dora the Explorer.' Ignore her.

More than likely however, Portland will lean over your shoulder and grab the mouse, his forearm “accidentally” pinning you back down into the chair: “Yeah, dude, but this video is much funnier … hold on, I just need to find it real quick …”

4. Recollections
The watercooler is a great place for Connor to plug his favorite videos. If your other coworkers seem uninterested, he will try to drag you into the conversation. “Oh, yeah guys, here he is–uh, Dave, remember that video about the guy trying to squeeze a watermelon?”

Respond casually.

“Well, Connor, I’m not sure what in God’s name you are talking about, but I like your new haircut.”

(Connor wears a toupee.)

Oh, wait, before I end this post, there’s this video I want to show you… hold on, let me find it … yeah, here it is :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8_afGanPbE&feature=bz302.

Wait, that’s not it… this might take a while for me to find the right one …

**EDIT**

Looking back, this was a shoddy piece of journalism. I am actually quite embarrassed. In fact, half of the article is so incoherent that I myself still have a hard time contemplating what in the hell I was thinking at the time. Really, Aaron? A forced Morgan Freeman reference? Multiple un-corrected typos? A conclusion resulting in an overall sense of dissatisfaction that leaves your brother with only an obligatory “I guess that was funny,” coupled with a disappointed, half-smile on his face? An unfunny runon sentence in the disclaimer? A progressively less funny series of rhetorical questions? I apologize. I tried. I failed. Much like Keanu Reeves.  Please read the following about The Day the Earth Stood Still, knowing fully well that the substandard quality of my review reflects the quality of the movie itself. 

Quite possibly one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Yes, the special effects were moderately entertaining. Several scenes actually redirected my thoughts away from how terrible Keanu Reeves is at acting–if only temporarily. In all fairness, this role was perfect for Keanu: one sentence lines, puzzled inhuman expressions, the immaculate embodiment of emotionless and grotesque entity. Then again, a perfect role for Keanu ultimately equates to Morgan Freeman playing a five year old chil: even Keanu’s best possible scenario falls short of half-way decent. If you haven’t seen the movie, here comes a huge spoiler (bolded warnings of “spoiler alert” are respectfully reserved for notably better films). Keanu Reeve’s character is … mysterious, to say the least, in fact:  KEANU REEVES PLAYS JESUS CHRIST.

(takes sip of coffee, allows reader to recover from shock and wipe vomit off of computer screen)

Alright, now that you are back, let me explain.

The original movie was as such: leaders from other planets saw the violence that was transpiring on Earth (Cold War) and intervened to prevent such an example from being repeated by observing planets. A seemingly legitimate plot with a reedeming message.

Al Gore’s remake takes a new, Liberal spin on the classic: other planets intervene to stop the humans’ destruction of Planet Earth. This done by implanting several “arks” (as they are even referred to in the movie) across the globe, which provide a haven to the spotted owl and endangered tadpole of the Amazon River. “What comes next?” asks a washed-up no name supporting actor. “The flood,” replies the second male, lowering his jaw is forced horror. Yes, Keanu Reeves is God. Wiping the human race through a flood of microscopic, metallic cockroaches. Why? We unthoughtful humans have been using technology for our own well-being, without concerns for Mother Nature. Alas, Keanu is the agent by which this rightful deed is to be carried out. As expected, he soon realizes that humans have capacity for love and hope, rather than destruction and chaos.

The climax involves Keanu striking a deal with Jennifer Connelley, who was the highlight of the film. “We can change!” she yells. “It will come with sacrifices,” states Keanu in his signature monotone drawl.

Cars stall. Computers shut off. Lights go out. OIL RIGS STOP WORKING. Subsequently, Keanu ascends into the clouds in a heavenly aura of happiness and amateur acting ability.

ANNU GIVES KEANU REEVES AND THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL:

.5 out of 5